failed

what are some ways to meet guys in the gym?

get him to notice you. see him on the exercise bike?

get on the one next to his. climb on by putting your leg WAAAAY up in the air then wrap it around the bike while looking deep into his eyes and slowly licking your lips.

this will surely get his attention because you'll also be wearing a bright orange bicycle helmet strapped around your chin.

then you rev up the handlebars like it's a motorcycle while rolling your r's like an purring engine.

if that doesn't work, then do this special flirty move that always works. ignore him for a bit. then turn your head to him and allow your hair to swing over your shoulder in slow motion. then put your first two fingers around your mouth in the shape of a v. Now flick your tongue out between your fingers.

he is certain to ask for your name.





so he can report you to Security.

gangsta old people

i don't like the idea of being "old"

just the thought of being saggy, baggy and slow gives me the heebie jeebies

not to be rude, but sometimes i think people like bernie mac got it right. dip out right 'fore people stop taking you seriously. it's like your best years are sealed forever.


but........this morning that weird 90 year old lady who drinks tea while she works out (who persevered through shadowboxing class AND spinning class) gave me a new outlook on the future

if ima be old, there's only one way to do it


GANGSTA

i'm drawing a line down the center of the house ala "i love lucy". you stay on your side, and ima stay on mine

when my friend first to me she was going to the police academy, thought it'd be fun and exciting. you know, like that movie.....spaceballs.

but instead it's been painful and disturbing like that movie police academy

better choose the right one or.....

i'm ina mood

because time doesn't really matter, does it?

i despise the idea of screwing around with clocks the way we do twice every year. why do we keep doing it? that "added" hour i allegedly gained this morning won't make me live one minute longer in REAL TIME, but it WILL fuck me up for the next few weeks.

because this morning my pocket pc cellular phone thingy -- AKA omniscient oracle of all the days of my life -- was nice enough to alert me to the end of daylight savings by automatically setting itself back one hour. technology so rules, right? WRONG.

but of course i believed and trusted it. whatever the pocket pc says goes, man. i mean really, who questions their cell phone? not, umm, me.

see also: i'm a fucking idiot.

"daylight savings time..."
1. was expected, casue i pay attention to the world and shit
2. totally fucked me becasue i was almost late to spin class and didnt have time to blaze
3. fucked me up cause i woke up an hour late and after blazin i totally missed spin class

my answer is 3, casue even after i realized that i was late, i dont let anything get in the way of my smokin'. not even some homosexual daylight savings time.

boys will be girls ... for halloween

i pondered

and googled


this is all i could come up with:


ummmmmm

CHANGE

come
help
a
nigga
get
elected

the jokes write themselves

"yeah, I can't come in today because I had too much zest early this morning."

never mind the wig or the fact he look like max from living single w/o the dreds but...

is that a motha fuckin tinkerbell poster in the background?




i say

story of the day

34-year-old teresa says her 14-year-old daughter, rayletha, is trying to have a baby.

rayletha says she may only be 14 years old, but she knows everything there is about taking care of a baby.

so what if she had sex in her mother’s bed, without a condom? how else is she supposed to make her baby?

rayletha says after she has her baby, her mom will take care of it.

she has all her baby names picked out: samaria, janarious, zakelas… and courvoisier.

rayletha says all she needs to take care of a baby is two cans of formula.

she kindly suggests that her mom, teresa, should quit telling her to stop trying to have a baby, or she’ll get another black eye.

THE END

i need a hoody hood nigga

i often talk about the type of men i want. he has to be really smart, well educated, professional and highly motivated. he needs to be a little bit boughie … and have a highly respectable career. lawyers and business men usually rank high on this list. this is the “extreme” version … but i often talk about my search for a black male professional similar to myself.

but … sometimes … every once in awhile … i yearn for a hood nigga.

i don’t mean someone who just grew up in a rough area … or just someone who had a hard knock life … i mean an all out, die for his turf, didn’t finish high school, wants to start his own rap label, drug dealer … hood nigga. one that embodies every negative stereotype associated with my people.

i’ve told this to my female friend … it’s the quickest way i know to make them shudder.

i’ve told a couple of my male friends about this desire … they just remind me to make sure I bring my own condom.

i don’t even have enough hood in me anymore to relate to this person … and he might not be able to indulge my fetish for intelligence … but there are a few things that make this mythical creature a fantasy of mine:

--he would cut someone for me

nice to know i got a guy who is ready to fight any dude whose ass needs cutting.

--olive garden is impressive

he can get his them all you can eat breadsticks and will be throuroughly impressed by the free wine he’ll get while waiting for the table.

--constant ego stroke

a girl could get used to hearing “you're so smart” or “you speak so good” all the time.

--he’ll be a freak

i don’t know why … but I’m convinced that hood niggas do all the kinds of stuff that is beneath their “professional” brothers.



so that’s it … the desire comes along every once in awhile.

and please forgive this fit of ignorance … lol. don’t get all offended on me either … i'm totally kidding

NO-M-G

dude. get over yourself.

you sound like an idiot.
(surprised?)


one hottboy pass left curtis,
three strikes and i'm not having your gorilla babies anymore

you already lost one for your bitchassness being at a level orange


get it together

wait for eeeeeeeeeet......

it was all a dream......

in the past two hours i saw.......

a pack of tranies who thought i was "fierce"

a blind guy and his seeing eye dog working out at the gym
(but for some reason i swear he was staring at me)

THIS in the locker room




a dude STEALING food from ralphs

then some guy almost ran me over in the parking lot and had the audacity to get out and curse me out


all ina day's work
phew!
home run

wtf t-pain?????

why the hell are we moving to wis-can-sin?

aspen??

toronto???

costa rica????

and why do we have to change our last names?

what are you hiding?
who are you running from?

is this the witness protection program?

i didn't sign up for this

there's a divverence between "taking it there"

and "taking it too far"


just a thought: next time, perhaps you should avoid using a dead child to hawk your product.

take it back tuesday!

i love tuesdays

(and yeah dude, i find it funny.
hilarious in fact)

if i were a boy

i'd....

overuse the expressions "no homo" and "that's what she said"

masturbate

go to a strip club to actually enjoy it

pretend i care

masturbate

shave my balls

not shave my legs

teabag

jerk off

tell girls i don't like to "suck my dick" and laugh as they actually do it.

never wear a shirt

start shit at family restaurants

wank off

send my girl self flowers (she deserves them)

punch boy beyonce in the nose

masturbate

become gay

oh, and this

alright son, just give me those hams

Mr. Burns: "I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children."