failed

what are some ways to meet guys in the gym?

get him to notice you. see him on the exercise bike?

get on the one next to his. climb on by putting your leg WAAAAY up in the air then wrap it around the bike while looking deep into his eyes and slowly licking your lips.

this will surely get his attention because you'll also be wearing a bright orange bicycle helmet strapped around your chin.

then you rev up the handlebars like it's a motorcycle while rolling your r's like an purring engine.

if that doesn't work, then do this special flirty move that always works. ignore him for a bit. then turn your head to him and allow your hair to swing over your shoulder in slow motion. then put your first two fingers around your mouth in the shape of a v. Now flick your tongue out between your fingers.

he is certain to ask for your name.





so he can report you to Security.

gangsta old people

i don't like the idea of being "old"

just the thought of being saggy, baggy and slow gives me the heebie jeebies

not to be rude, but sometimes i think people like bernie mac got it right. dip out right 'fore people stop taking you seriously. it's like your best years are sealed forever.


but........this morning that weird 90 year old lady who drinks tea while she works out (who persevered through shadowboxing class AND spinning class) gave me a new outlook on the future

if ima be old, there's only one way to do it


GANGSTA

i'm drawing a line down the center of the house ala "i love lucy". you stay on your side, and ima stay on mine

when my friend first to me she was going to the police academy, thought it'd be fun and exciting. you know, like that movie.....spaceballs.

but instead it's been painful and disturbing like that movie police academy

better choose the right one or.....

i'm ina mood

because time doesn't really matter, does it?

i despise the idea of screwing around with clocks the way we do twice every year. why do we keep doing it? that "added" hour i allegedly gained this morning won't make me live one minute longer in REAL TIME, but it WILL fuck me up for the next few weeks.

because this morning my pocket pc cellular phone thingy -- AKA omniscient oracle of all the days of my life -- was nice enough to alert me to the end of daylight savings by automatically setting itself back one hour. technology so rules, right? WRONG.

but of course i believed and trusted it. whatever the pocket pc says goes, man. i mean really, who questions their cell phone? not, umm, me.

see also: i'm a fucking idiot.

"daylight savings time..."
1. was expected, casue i pay attention to the world and shit
2. totally fucked me becasue i was almost late to spin class and didnt have time to blaze
3. fucked me up cause i woke up an hour late and after blazin i totally missed spin class

my answer is 3, casue even after i realized that i was late, i dont let anything get in the way of my smokin'. not even some homosexual daylight savings time.

boys will be girls ... for halloween

i pondered

and googled


this is all i could come up with:


ummmmmm