1. twilight
this book is about vampires. this book is about a girl named, yes, isabella swan. (stop snickering. i haven't even started.) this book contains many, many ellipses. and for you parents of teens out there who are worried about your daughters becoming engrossed in a vampire love saga, let me quell your fears. this book contains no sex. that's right. no sex. which begs the question: is this actually a vampire novel?
2. the price of beverages in vending machines
i’m sorry, but it doesn’t cost $2.75 for a bottle of coke, especially with an exclusive deal with coca cola.
3. dane cook / george lopez / blue collar comedy
maybe my level of sophistication is beyond what it would have to be to find any of these guys funny, maybe they are just stupid. either way, i truly hate their “comedy”. when i was a child, i would find physical humor to be funny, but i also used to tight roll my bugle boy jeans and listen to milli vanilli. i grew up.
in the same vein of maturation, i outgrew my enjoyment of stereotypical humor. it doesn’t make me draw comparisons and bring me closer to different cultures. if anything, it accents the differences and fuels the fire of racial tension. it’s not the kind of thing that i choose to celebrate or laugh along with. F.Y.I. if you are within earshot of jeff foxworthy saying, “if you…..you might be a redneck”, then there is no “might” about it.
4. unimaginative local newspaper headlines
come on, that's not a headline, that's just the first sentence of the article in a really big font. and OK, i appreciate you have to be sensitive with these things, but a little pun isn't going to hurt anyone, is it?
i'm thinking 'meat head,' i'm thinking 'chop shop', i'm thinking 'heads will roll.' i don't know, not my job. but give me something.
5. hollywood
i resent your stars for acting as if their opinions are well-informed or even significant; i resent your publicists for convincing the public that this is in fact the case. but most of all i resent your producers for bankrolling space chimps and beverly hills chihuahua.
6. bravo’s cookie cutter tv shows
did any of you ever have the toy where you could interchange a doll’s hair, torso, and lower body? regardless, it seems that the executives of the tv network bravo have taken this approach to developing shows. they have a hit with project runway, but it doesn’t mean that i want to have “formula a” applied to every new show that comes along. granted, it’s fine for top chef, but that make me a supermodel show is just a whip. i can’t wait to see how jessie spano, i mean elizabeth berkley (cough, cough, SHOWGIRLS!) does when bravo applies the formula to dancing. will i watch this show? i highly doubt it. now if they decide to apply “formula a” to hot guys working out, then i’ll most definitely pull a 180 concerning my feelings towards the formula.
the other formula that they utilize is to make a reality show out of the most uninteresting things. i don’t care about housewives in california, housewives in new york, personal trainers, or millionaire matchmakers. i do, however, enjoy watching shows about male hairstylists that cry during every show (blowout) and gay real estate flippers (flipping). unfortunately, neither of those shows is on right now. so that’s why i hate bravo’s “formula b” right now.
7. miley cirus
her overabundant use of peace signs.
she sounds like a man.
her youtube videos are incredibly stupid and pointless.
she’s a closeted hoe.
she can’t count.
she brings religion into everything.
she won’t come out of the closet...
8. the amount of garbage dry cleaning makes
staples, tickets, we ♥ our customer hanger wrappers, the hangers themselves, plastic bags.
9. the jonas brothers
before you freak out, understand this: i like the Jonas Brothers. in fact, i love the guys. i love that a group that admits openly that they're christians has gained such popularity, and given pre-teen music fans clean music and christian role models.
but i hate the jonas brothers commercial empire.
they're treated like little more than money-making machines. right now, these guys open their mouths and dollars falls out, and the label execs will ride that train as long as it has steam. i don't like watching teens being treated like commodities.
the focus on making money over artist growth breeds mediocrity. ok, so they have a couple of catchy songs on their albums and whatever they're doing certainly drives young girls crazy. but did you see them perform on the finale of "so you think you can dance?" they sounded off key and looked like they were on stage for the first time. lack of talent? it's hard to tell, since their only job right now is bounce around on stage and drive girls crazy.
i am also glad that i don't have a pre-teen living in my house - because there's no telling what kind of mental state i'd be in if i had to listen to the jobros all the time. i grew up on "puppy love." "mmbop," i could hande. but "bb good?" not so much.
and most importantly
10.
your friend and humble narrator commenced another year without being asked on even ONE date
like really guys?
REALLY?????????
Monday, December 29, 2008
i put two and two together, and decided that you're pissing me off
this dude back where i worked at the, uh, styrofoam peanut factory, like he converted the toilet into like a bong, and you just sort of put your face over the seat. it was pretty badass. i went in there, someone had used a number two, so i fish it out, load it up. gotta do something to get through that shift. later on, when i became an adult, i was thinkin', you know, "that's gross," but, man that bathroom was so awesome in high school
Sunday, December 28, 2008
moderation for the nation
my body is a temple. unfortunately for me, it is the temple of doom.
indiana jones wouldn’t be able to sort this mess out! i don’t have anything resembling a 6 pack. i have a small(ish) brewery for a stomach.
“drink in moderation”. the phrase sends a spine tingling sensation down areas that aren’t even my spine. ho-kay, so sometimes it feels nice and makes me happy, but we are getting away from the point here. it is a phrase that is all too often used by those who have no real grasp on reality that tell you to not do one thing and then go gorge themselves on gnomes.
via the informative medium i call “my sister”, can i offer this snippet of information to anyone that tells you to drink in moderation:
moderation? absolutely! according to the dictionary, it means “ensuring consistency and accuracy and eliminating extremes.”
therefore if you remain consistently and accurately drunk whilst eliminating the extremity of sobriety, no one can moan at all.
i hope that is of some help to you in putting someone who needs it in their place.
indiana jones wouldn’t be able to sort this mess out! i don’t have anything resembling a 6 pack. i have a small(ish) brewery for a stomach.
“drink in moderation”. the phrase sends a spine tingling sensation down areas that aren’t even my spine. ho-kay, so sometimes it feels nice and makes me happy, but we are getting away from the point here. it is a phrase that is all too often used by those who have no real grasp on reality that tell you to not do one thing and then go gorge themselves on gnomes.
via the informative medium i call “my sister”, can i offer this snippet of information to anyone that tells you to drink in moderation:
moderation? absolutely! according to the dictionary, it means “ensuring consistency and accuracy and eliminating extremes.”
therefore if you remain consistently and accurately drunk whilst eliminating the extremity of sobriety, no one can moan at all.
i hope that is of some help to you in putting someone who needs it in their place.
if you scratch my back, i will eat your sandwich.
i hate advertisements. but, because god hates kittens, especially the really cute ones, they are a part of our every day life and we can't escape them.
so as you can't escape them, then at least have an input into what you would like to see.
yesterday i was doing stuff. it was fun. when i say fun, i mean mind numbingly boring. and while being mind numbingly bored, i had a misfiring synapse that stimulated a part of my brain seldom used, thus giving me a genius idea of untold proportions…which has probably been thought of a thousand times over.
over time, fertilisers…erm…advertisers will need to come up with more and more ideas to keep us interested (and when i say interested, i mean to watch the TV ads rather then jamming a fork in your eye during the ad breaks). so i have one. advertise a totally different product to the one you are selling.
genius huh?!
but stay with me. this is not as mad as it seems. say for instance a kebab shop. no person with a sober brain generally eats kebabs. but once the wonders of alcohol are introduced in to the system, it is kebabs all round. you can't possibly advertise a kebab to a sober person, but a person with a love for alcohol…well…
this could work on so many different products. unfortunately, all the ones in my head seem to revolve around alcohol.
kebab shops - advertise beer. show a before alcohol shot of the kebab, then a “several pints later on the walk home” shot. that same kebab now has a sparkly glow and is being eaten by a bikini clad woman.
fatty foods (bacon, sausages etc) - advertise beer. get in to the mind of the viewer how good that next morning fry up is when you have breath like a randy elephant.
even makers of bread can get in on this. advertise beer. show how good a bacon roll looks the next morning, or how when you go home but not via the kebab shop, that jamming a ton of carbs in your body before you lay down ready for the room to spin can have good effects on your overall well being.
the list is almost endless.
so as you can't escape them, then at least have an input into what you would like to see.
yesterday i was doing stuff. it was fun. when i say fun, i mean mind numbingly boring. and while being mind numbingly bored, i had a misfiring synapse that stimulated a part of my brain seldom used, thus giving me a genius idea of untold proportions…which has probably been thought of a thousand times over.
over time, fertilisers…erm…advertisers will need to come up with more and more ideas to keep us interested (and when i say interested, i mean to watch the TV ads rather then jamming a fork in your eye during the ad breaks). so i have one. advertise a totally different product to the one you are selling.
genius huh?!
but stay with me. this is not as mad as it seems. say for instance a kebab shop. no person with a sober brain generally eats kebabs. but once the wonders of alcohol are introduced in to the system, it is kebabs all round. you can't possibly advertise a kebab to a sober person, but a person with a love for alcohol…well…
this could work on so many different products. unfortunately, all the ones in my head seem to revolve around alcohol.
kebab shops - advertise beer. show a before alcohol shot of the kebab, then a “several pints later on the walk home” shot. that same kebab now has a sparkly glow and is being eaten by a bikini clad woman.
fatty foods (bacon, sausages etc) - advertise beer. get in to the mind of the viewer how good that next morning fry up is when you have breath like a randy elephant.
even makers of bread can get in on this. advertise beer. show how good a bacon roll looks the next morning, or how when you go home but not via the kebab shop, that jamming a ton of carbs in your body before you lay down ready for the room to spin can have good effects on your overall well being.
the list is almost endless.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
he was a quiet man
i am so lucky to have blog readers who think i'm cooler than i really am.
i was the shy kid at school.
i am still the shy kid as an adult.
but i fight it every day.
Got to Give It Up - Marvin Gaye
i relish in solitude. i know that a majority of our personalities came already programmed when we were born, but i believe that you can learn the skills necessary to compensate for interactions in the real world. when i was young my parents would excuse my behavior by telling others "well, she is just shy". i began to accept it, claim it, and hide behind that label. i now mask it well, i am a careful listener, ask great questions and can chat with anyone, anytime. i had to develop this skill in order to survive with a career in the public eye. most who have recently met me would never know how truly difficult social situations are for me. i now try to sieze the opportunity not only to seek out others who i do not know, but to gently begin training myself in the art of friendship and conversation.
if only it were so easy
it could go like this:
me: "hi, i'm devin, want to go shopping?"
stranger: "sure. let's be best friends."
me: "okay."
end scene.
well, maybe not. that would actually be pretty weird.
i was the shy kid at school.
i am still the shy kid as an adult.
but i fight it every day.
Got to Give It Up - Marvin Gaye
i relish in solitude. i know that a majority of our personalities came already programmed when we were born, but i believe that you can learn the skills necessary to compensate for interactions in the real world. when i was young my parents would excuse my behavior by telling others "well, she is just shy". i began to accept it, claim it, and hide behind that label. i now mask it well, i am a careful listener, ask great questions and can chat with anyone, anytime. i had to develop this skill in order to survive with a career in the public eye. most who have recently met me would never know how truly difficult social situations are for me. i now try to sieze the opportunity not only to seek out others who i do not know, but to gently begin training myself in the art of friendship and conversation.
if only it were so easy
it could go like this:
me: "hi, i'm devin, want to go shopping?"
stranger: "sure. let's be best friends."
me: "okay."
end scene.
well, maybe not. that would actually be pretty weird.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
praise santa
christmas always triggers nostalgia from some movie in your youth
what was it for you?
did you totally want an official red ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle, with a compass in the stock and 'this thing' which tells time?
do you shed a tear remembering the moment uncle drosselmeyer fixes the nutcracker?
when i think of christmas............
what was it for you?
did you totally want an official red ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle, with a compass in the stock and 'this thing' which tells time?
do you shed a tear remembering the moment uncle drosselmeyer fixes the nutcracker?
when i think of christmas............
Sunday, December 21, 2008
seven pounds: a review from someone who cares
muccino, who balanced humor and pathos so well in happiness, goes too heavy on the melodrama this time, at the expense of practically any other emotional shadings.
the intrigue of putting the clues of the plot together is fun in the beginning but becomes tedious midway through. the whole thing ends in what's meant to be a spectacular act of selfless generosity -- but really plays as mad, messianic egoism.
muccino lays on the melodrama so thick that i felt like i needed a shower by the end, and instead of shedding a tear, i couldn't wait to get out of the theater.
....a well-intentioned misfire. give smith credit for taking chances, but that's an A for effort, not for the actual film.
the intrigue of putting the clues of the plot together is fun in the beginning but becomes tedious midway through. the whole thing ends in what's meant to be a spectacular act of selfless generosity -- but really plays as mad, messianic egoism.
muccino lays on the melodrama so thick that i felt like i needed a shower by the end, and instead of shedding a tear, i couldn't wait to get out of the theater.
....a well-intentioned misfire. give smith credit for taking chances, but that's an A for effort, not for the actual film.
Monday, December 8, 2008
go home roger
thinkin' bout another pet peeve of mine.
you know when your GROWN ASS starts whining about how someone bit your steez. you were saying that first, wearing it first, being gay first etc.
who really cares
the only reason people ever get mad is cause the other person is doin' it better, or there's money being made without you being a part of it
personally, i agree that imitation is the greatest form of flattery.
the group smashbox once claimed they don't really listen to other music to keep their work original. guess what???????
THEY SUCK
who's going around talking bout how warhol was a sycophant par excellence of his time?
me
but i'm a total hypocrite
you know when your GROWN ASS starts whining about how someone bit your steez. you were saying that first, wearing it first, being gay first etc.
who really cares
the only reason people ever get mad is cause the other person is doin' it better, or there's money being made without you being a part of it
personally, i agree that imitation is the greatest form of flattery.
the group smashbox once claimed they don't really listen to other music to keep their work original. guess what???????
THEY SUCK
who's going around talking bout how warhol was a sycophant par excellence of his time?
me
but i'm a total hypocrite
Sunday, December 7, 2008
good riddance to bad rubbish
i dislike my neighbors. greatly. not enough to say “hate,” but dislike, annoyed and frustrated by, ticked off and perturbed over, definitely. why? THEY’RE LOUD. i hate loud neighbors. loud neighbors are in the top ten of my pet peeve list. i hate living in apartments for this reason. i always had loud neighbors. the loud stereo; the loud parties; the loud humpers; the beating- your-wife-while-she-throws-pots-and-pans-and-knocks-over-furniture-while-screaming-at you-at-top-volume-in-armenian-while-i call-911 neighbors.
got this problem????
a few ways to get rid of bad neighbors:
if you know they are going on a plane trip somewhere wait until they are at the airport and stash a loaded 45 in with their luggage
let them catch you digging a grave in your back yard in the middle of the night
call "america's most wanted" ....report the whereabouts of that guy they have been desperatly trying to find for 10 years...
tell them you think he may be on the move and hurray!!!!
got this problem????
a few ways to get rid of bad neighbors:
if you know they are going on a plane trip somewhere wait until they are at the airport and stash a loaded 45 in with their luggage
let them catch you digging a grave in your back yard in the middle of the night
call "america's most wanted" ....report the whereabouts of that guy they have been desperatly trying to find for 10 years...
tell them you think he may be on the move and hurray!!!!
Friday, December 5, 2008
the coldest winter ever:
a book report by
devjop
i had to finish the book so i didn't have to read it anymore. found it shallow. i never felt any real emotion from the main character (or any character for that matter). it's impossible for the reader to connect with that. and, sista souljah is a megalomaniac. who writes themselves into books? she portrayed herself as the second coming of mlk.
yawn
two thumbs down
devjop
i had to finish the book so i didn't have to read it anymore. found it shallow. i never felt any real emotion from the main character (or any character for that matter). it's impossible for the reader to connect with that. and, sista souljah is a megalomaniac. who writes themselves into books? she portrayed herself as the second coming of mlk.
yawn
two thumbs down
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
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devintheobscure
nasty nate wants my cocktail fruit
