wrath of someoe drinking glasses filled with hateraide: 2008 edition

1. twilight

this book is about vampires. this book is about a girl named, yes, isabella swan. (stop snickering. i haven't even started.) this book contains many, many ellipses. and for you parents of teens out there who are worried about your daughters becoming engrossed in a vampire love saga, let me quell your fears. this book contains no sex. that's right. no sex. which begs the question: is this actually a vampire novel?

2. the price of beverages in vending machines

i’m sorry, but it doesn’t cost $2.75 for a bottle of coke, especially with an exclusive deal with coca cola.

3. dane cook / george lopez / blue collar comedy

maybe my level of sophistication is beyond what it would have to be to find any of these guys funny, maybe they are just stupid. either way, i truly hate their “comedy”. when i was a child, i would find physical humor to be funny, but i also used to tight roll my bugle boy jeans and listen to milli vanilli. i grew up.

in the same vein of maturation, i outgrew my enjoyment of stereotypical humor. it doesn’t make me draw comparisons and bring me closer to different cultures. if anything, it accents the differences and fuels the fire of racial tension. it’s not the kind of thing that i choose to celebrate or laugh along with. F.Y.I. if you are within earshot of jeff foxworthy saying, “if you…..you might be a redneck”, then there is no “might” about it.

4. unimaginative local newspaper headlines

come on, that's not a headline, that's just the first sentence of the article in a really big font. and OK, i appreciate you have to be sensitive with these things, but a little pun isn't going to hurt anyone, is it?

i'm thinking 'meat head,' i'm thinking 'chop shop', i'm thinking 'heads will roll.' i don't know, not my job. but give me something.

5. hollywood

i resent your stars for acting as if their opinions are well-informed or even significant; i resent your publicists for convincing the public that this is in fact the case. but most of all i resent your producers for bankrolling space chimps and beverly hills chihuahua.


6. bravo’s cookie cutter tv shows

did any of you ever have the toy where you could interchange a doll’s hair, torso, and lower body? regardless, it seems that the executives of the tv network bravo have taken this approach to developing shows. they have a hit with project runway, but it doesn’t mean that i want to have “formula a” applied to every new show that comes along. granted, it’s fine for top chef, but that make me a supermodel show is just a whip. i can’t wait to see how jessie spano, i mean elizabeth berkley (cough, cough, SHOWGIRLS!) does when bravo applies the formula to dancing. will i watch this show? i highly doubt it. now if they decide to apply “formula a” to hot guys working out, then i’ll most definitely pull a 180 concerning my feelings towards the formula.

the other formula that they utilize is to make a reality show out of the most uninteresting things. i don’t care about housewives in california, housewives in new york, personal trainers, or millionaire matchmakers. i do, however, enjoy watching shows about male hairstylists that cry during every show (blowout) and gay real estate flippers (flipping). unfortunately, neither of those shows is on right now. so that’s why i hate bravo’s “formula b” right now.

7. miley cirus

her overabundant use of peace signs.
she sounds like a man.
her youtube videos are incredibly stupid and pointless.
she’s a closeted hoe.
she can’t count.
she brings religion into everything.
she won’t come out of the closet...

8. the amount of garbage dry cleaning makes

staples, tickets, we ♥ our customer hanger wrappers, the hangers themselves, plastic bags.

9. the jonas brothers

before you freak out, understand this: i like the Jonas Brothers. in fact, i love the guys. i love that a group that admits openly that they're christians has gained such popularity, and given pre-teen music fans clean music and christian role models.

but i hate the jonas brothers commercial empire.

they're treated like little more than money-making machines. right now, these guys open their mouths and dollars falls out, and the label execs will ride that train as long as it has steam. i don't like watching teens being treated like commodities.
the focus on making money over artist growth breeds mediocrity. ok, so they have a couple of catchy songs on their albums and whatever they're doing certainly drives young girls crazy. but did you see them perform on the finale of "so you think you can dance?" they sounded off key and looked like they were on stage for the first time. lack of talent? it's hard to tell, since their only job right now is bounce around on stage and drive girls crazy.
i am also glad that i don't have a pre-teen living in my house - because there's no telling what kind of mental state i'd be in if i had to listen to the jobros all the time. i grew up on "puppy love." "mmbop," i could hande. but "bb good?" not so much.


and most importantly

10.

your friend and humble narrator commenced another year without being asked on even ONE date

like really guys?

REALLY?????????