wrath of someoe drinking glasses filled with hateraide: 2008 edition

1. twilight

this book is about vampires. this book is about a girl named, yes, isabella swan. (stop snickering. i haven't even started.) this book contains many, many ellipses. and for you parents of teens out there who are worried about your daughters becoming engrossed in a vampire love saga, let me quell your fears. this book contains no sex. that's right. no sex. which begs the question: is this actually a vampire novel?

2. the price of beverages in vending machines

i’m sorry, but it doesn’t cost $2.75 for a bottle of coke, especially with an exclusive deal with coca cola.

3. dane cook / george lopez / blue collar comedy

maybe my level of sophistication is beyond what it would have to be to find any of these guys funny, maybe they are just stupid. either way, i truly hate their “comedy”. when i was a child, i would find physical humor to be funny, but i also used to tight roll my bugle boy jeans and listen to milli vanilli. i grew up.

in the same vein of maturation, i outgrew my enjoyment of stereotypical humor. it doesn’t make me draw comparisons and bring me closer to different cultures. if anything, it accents the differences and fuels the fire of racial tension. it’s not the kind of thing that i choose to celebrate or laugh along with. F.Y.I. if you are within earshot of jeff foxworthy saying, “if you…..you might be a redneck”, then there is no “might” about it.

4. unimaginative local newspaper headlines

come on, that's not a headline, that's just the first sentence of the article in a really big font. and OK, i appreciate you have to be sensitive with these things, but a little pun isn't going to hurt anyone, is it?

i'm thinking 'meat head,' i'm thinking 'chop shop', i'm thinking 'heads will roll.' i don't know, not my job. but give me something.

5. hollywood

i resent your stars for acting as if their opinions are well-informed or even significant; i resent your publicists for convincing the public that this is in fact the case. but most of all i resent your producers for bankrolling space chimps and beverly hills chihuahua.


6. bravo’s cookie cutter tv shows

did any of you ever have the toy where you could interchange a doll’s hair, torso, and lower body? regardless, it seems that the executives of the tv network bravo have taken this approach to developing shows. they have a hit with project runway, but it doesn’t mean that i want to have “formula a” applied to every new show that comes along. granted, it’s fine for top chef, but that make me a supermodel show is just a whip. i can’t wait to see how jessie spano, i mean elizabeth berkley (cough, cough, SHOWGIRLS!) does when bravo applies the formula to dancing. will i watch this show? i highly doubt it. now if they decide to apply “formula a” to hot guys working out, then i’ll most definitely pull a 180 concerning my feelings towards the formula.

the other formula that they utilize is to make a reality show out of the most uninteresting things. i don’t care about housewives in california, housewives in new york, personal trainers, or millionaire matchmakers. i do, however, enjoy watching shows about male hairstylists that cry during every show (blowout) and gay real estate flippers (flipping). unfortunately, neither of those shows is on right now. so that’s why i hate bravo’s “formula b” right now.

7. miley cirus

her overabundant use of peace signs.
she sounds like a man.
her youtube videos are incredibly stupid and pointless.
she’s a closeted hoe.
she can’t count.
she brings religion into everything.
she won’t come out of the closet...

8. the amount of garbage dry cleaning makes

staples, tickets, we ♥ our customer hanger wrappers, the hangers themselves, plastic bags.

9. the jonas brothers

before you freak out, understand this: i like the Jonas Brothers. in fact, i love the guys. i love that a group that admits openly that they're christians has gained such popularity, and given pre-teen music fans clean music and christian role models.

but i hate the jonas brothers commercial empire.

they're treated like little more than money-making machines. right now, these guys open their mouths and dollars falls out, and the label execs will ride that train as long as it has steam. i don't like watching teens being treated like commodities.
the focus on making money over artist growth breeds mediocrity. ok, so they have a couple of catchy songs on their albums and whatever they're doing certainly drives young girls crazy. but did you see them perform on the finale of "so you think you can dance?" they sounded off key and looked like they were on stage for the first time. lack of talent? it's hard to tell, since their only job right now is bounce around on stage and drive girls crazy.
i am also glad that i don't have a pre-teen living in my house - because there's no telling what kind of mental state i'd be in if i had to listen to the jobros all the time. i grew up on "puppy love." "mmbop," i could hande. but "bb good?" not so much.


and most importantly

10.

your friend and humble narrator commenced another year without being asked on even ONE date

like really guys?

REALLY?????????

it's not so bad

go go gadget optimism!

i put two and two together, and decided that you're pissing me off

this dude back where i worked at the, uh, styrofoam peanut factory, like he converted the toilet into like a bong, and you just sort of put your face over the seat. it was pretty badass. i went in there, someone had used a number two, so i fish it out, load it up. gotta do something to get through that shift. later on, when i became an adult, i was thinkin', you know, "that's gross," but, man that bathroom was so awesome in high school

moderation for the nation

my body is a temple. unfortunately for me, it is the temple of doom.

indiana jones wouldn’t be able to sort this mess out! i don’t have anything resembling a 6 pack. i have a small(ish) brewery for a stomach.



“drink in moderation”. the phrase sends a spine tingling sensation down areas that aren’t even my spine. ho-kay, so sometimes it feels nice and makes me happy, but we are getting away from the point here. it is a phrase that is all too often used by those who have no real grasp on reality that tell you to not do one thing and then go gorge themselves on gnomes.

via the informative medium i call “my sister”, can i offer this snippet of information to anyone that tells you to drink in moderation:

moderation? absolutely! according to the dictionary, it means “ensuring consistency and accuracy and eliminating extremes.”
therefore if you remain consistently and accurately drunk whilst eliminating the extremity of sobriety, no one can moan at all.

i hope that is of some help to you in putting someone who needs it in their place.

if you scratch my back, i will eat your sandwich.

i hate advertisements. but, because god hates kittens, especially the really cute ones, they are a part of our every day life and we can't escape them.

so as you can't escape them, then at least have an input into what you would like to see.

yesterday i was doing stuff. it was fun. when i say fun, i mean mind numbingly boring. and while being mind numbingly bored, i had a misfiring synapse that stimulated a part of my brain seldom used, thus giving me a genius idea of untold proportions…which has probably been thought of a thousand times over.

over time, fertilisers…erm…advertisers will need to come up with more and more ideas to keep us interested (and when i say interested, i mean to watch the TV ads rather then jamming a fork in your eye during the ad breaks). so i have one. advertise a totally different product to the one you are selling.

genius huh?!

but stay with me. this is not as mad as it seems. say for instance a kebab shop. no person with a sober brain generally eats kebabs. but once the wonders of alcohol are introduced in to the system, it is kebabs all round. you can't possibly advertise a kebab to a sober person, but a person with a love for alcohol…well…

this could work on so many different products. unfortunately, all the ones in my head seem to revolve around alcohol.

kebab shops - advertise beer. show a before alcohol shot of the kebab, then a “several pints later on the walk home” shot. that same kebab now has a sparkly glow and is being eaten by a bikini clad woman.

fatty foods (bacon, sausages etc) - advertise beer. get in to the mind of the viewer how good that next morning fry up is when you have breath like a randy elephant.

even makers of bread can get in on this. advertise beer. show how good a bacon roll looks the next morning, or how when you go home but not via the kebab shop, that jamming a ton of carbs in your body before you lay down ready for the room to spin can have good effects on your overall well being.

the list is almost endless.

he was a quiet man

i am so lucky to have blog readers who think i'm cooler than i really am.

i was the shy kid at school.
i am still the shy kid as an adult.
but i fight it every day.

Got to Give It Up - Marvin Gaye

i relish in solitude. i know that a majority of our personalities came already programmed when we were born, but i believe that you can learn the skills necessary to compensate for interactions in the real world. when i was young my parents would excuse my behavior by telling others "well, she is just shy". i began to accept it, claim it, and hide behind that label. i now mask it well, i am a careful listener, ask great questions and can chat with anyone, anytime. i had to develop this skill in order to survive with a career in the public eye. most who have recently met me would never know how truly difficult social situations are for me. i now try to sieze the opportunity not only to seek out others who i do not know, but to gently begin training myself in the art of friendship and conversation.

if only it were so easy

it could go like this:
me: "hi, i'm devin, want to go shopping?"
stranger: "sure. let's be best friends."
me: "okay."
end scene.


well, maybe not. that would actually be pretty weird.

police nabbed my dad

black don't crack

just kidding

praise santa

christmas always triggers nostalgia from some movie in your youth

what was it for you?

did you totally want an official red ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle, with a compass in the stock and 'this thing' which tells time?

do you shed a tear remembering the moment uncle drosselmeyer fixes the nutcracker?

when i think of christmas............

i hope you like pain

seven pounds: a review from someone who cares

muccino, who balanced humor and pathos so well in happiness, goes too heavy on the melodrama this time, at the expense of practically any other emotional shadings.

the intrigue of putting the clues of the plot together is fun in the beginning but becomes tedious midway through. the whole thing ends in what's meant to be a spectacular act of selfless generosity -- but really plays as mad, messianic egoism.

muccino lays on the melodrama so thick that i felt like i needed a shower by the end, and instead of shedding a tear, i couldn't wait to get out of the theater.
....a well-intentioned misfire. give smith credit for taking chances, but that's an A for effort, not for the actual film.

go home roger

thinkin' bout another pet peeve of mine.

you know when your GROWN ASS starts whining about how someone bit your steez. you were saying that first, wearing it first, being gay first etc.

who really cares

the only reason people ever get mad is cause the other person is doin' it better, or there's money being made without you being a part of it

personally, i agree that imitation is the greatest form of flattery.
the group smashbox once claimed they don't really listen to other music to keep their work original. guess what???????

THEY SUCK

who's going around talking bout how warhol was a sycophant par excellence of his time?

me

but i'm a total hypocrite

good riddance to bad rubbish

i dislike my neighbors. greatly. not enough to say “hate,” but dislike, annoyed and frustrated by, ticked off and perturbed over, definitely. why? THEY’RE LOUD. i hate loud neighbors. loud neighbors are in the top ten of my pet peeve list. i hate living in apartments for this reason. i always had loud neighbors. the loud stereo; the loud parties; the loud humpers; the beating- your-wife-while-she-throws-pots-and-pans-and-knocks-over-furniture-while-screaming-at you-at-top-volume-in-armenian-while-i call-911 neighbors.

got this problem????
a few ways to get rid of bad neighbors:

if you know they are going on a plane trip somewhere wait until they are at the airport and stash a loaded 45 in with their luggage

let them catch you digging a grave in your back yard in the middle of the night

call "america's most wanted" ....report the whereabouts of that guy they have been desperatly trying to find for 10 years...
tell them you think he may be on the move and hurray!!!!

the coldest winter ever:

a book report by
devjop



i had to finish the book so i didn't have to read it anymore. found it shallow. i never felt any real emotion from the main character (or any character for that matter). it's impossible for the reader to connect with that. and, sista souljah is a megalomaniac. who writes themselves into books? she portrayed herself as the second coming of mlk.

yawn

two thumbs down

kinda.. but hes not gay....

#1 way to ruin a good song




bad video

and THIS little piggy went

WEEEEEEEEEEEEE-OH WEEEEEEEEEEEEE-OH WEEEEEEEEEEEEE

all the way home

failed

what are some ways to meet guys in the gym?

get him to notice you. see him on the exercise bike?

get on the one next to his. climb on by putting your leg WAAAAY up in the air then wrap it around the bike while looking deep into his eyes and slowly licking your lips.

this will surely get his attention because you'll also be wearing a bright orange bicycle helmet strapped around your chin.

then you rev up the handlebars like it's a motorcycle while rolling your r's like an purring engine.

if that doesn't work, then do this special flirty move that always works. ignore him for a bit. then turn your head to him and allow your hair to swing over your shoulder in slow motion. then put your first two fingers around your mouth in the shape of a v. Now flick your tongue out between your fingers.

he is certain to ask for your name.





so he can report you to Security.

gangsta old people

i don't like the idea of being "old"

just the thought of being saggy, baggy and slow gives me the heebie jeebies

not to be rude, but sometimes i think people like bernie mac got it right. dip out right 'fore people stop taking you seriously. it's like your best years are sealed forever.


but........this morning that weird 90 year old lady who drinks tea while she works out (who persevered through shadowboxing class AND spinning class) gave me a new outlook on the future

if ima be old, there's only one way to do it


GANGSTA

i'm drawing a line down the center of the house ala "i love lucy". you stay on your side, and ima stay on mine

when my friend first to me she was going to the police academy, thought it'd be fun and exciting. you know, like that movie.....spaceballs.

but instead it's been painful and disturbing like that movie police academy

better choose the right one or.....

i'm ina mood

because time doesn't really matter, does it?

i despise the idea of screwing around with clocks the way we do twice every year. why do we keep doing it? that "added" hour i allegedly gained this morning won't make me live one minute longer in REAL TIME, but it WILL fuck me up for the next few weeks.

because this morning my pocket pc cellular phone thingy -- AKA omniscient oracle of all the days of my life -- was nice enough to alert me to the end of daylight savings by automatically setting itself back one hour. technology so rules, right? WRONG.

but of course i believed and trusted it. whatever the pocket pc says goes, man. i mean really, who questions their cell phone? not, umm, me.

see also: i'm a fucking idiot.

"daylight savings time..."
1. was expected, casue i pay attention to the world and shit
2. totally fucked me becasue i was almost late to spin class and didnt have time to blaze
3. fucked me up cause i woke up an hour late and after blazin i totally missed spin class

my answer is 3, casue even after i realized that i was late, i dont let anything get in the way of my smokin'. not even some homosexual daylight savings time.

boys will be girls ... for halloween

i pondered

and googled


this is all i could come up with:


ummmmmm

CHANGE

come
help
a
nigga
get
elected

the jokes write themselves

"yeah, I can't come in today because I had too much zest early this morning."

never mind the wig or the fact he look like max from living single w/o the dreds but...

is that a motha fuckin tinkerbell poster in the background?




i say

story of the day

34-year-old teresa says her 14-year-old daughter, rayletha, is trying to have a baby.

rayletha says she may only be 14 years old, but she knows everything there is about taking care of a baby.

so what if she had sex in her mother’s bed, without a condom? how else is she supposed to make her baby?

rayletha says after she has her baby, her mom will take care of it.

she has all her baby names picked out: samaria, janarious, zakelas… and courvoisier.

rayletha says all she needs to take care of a baby is two cans of formula.

she kindly suggests that her mom, teresa, should quit telling her to stop trying to have a baby, or she’ll get another black eye.

THE END

i need a hoody hood nigga

i often talk about the type of men i want. he has to be really smart, well educated, professional and highly motivated. he needs to be a little bit boughie … and have a highly respectable career. lawyers and business men usually rank high on this list. this is the “extreme” version … but i often talk about my search for a black male professional similar to myself.

but … sometimes … every once in awhile … i yearn for a hood nigga.

i don’t mean someone who just grew up in a rough area … or just someone who had a hard knock life … i mean an all out, die for his turf, didn’t finish high school, wants to start his own rap label, drug dealer … hood nigga. one that embodies every negative stereotype associated with my people.

i’ve told this to my female friend … it’s the quickest way i know to make them shudder.

i’ve told a couple of my male friends about this desire … they just remind me to make sure I bring my own condom.

i don’t even have enough hood in me anymore to relate to this person … and he might not be able to indulge my fetish for intelligence … but there are a few things that make this mythical creature a fantasy of mine:

--he would cut someone for me

nice to know i got a guy who is ready to fight any dude whose ass needs cutting.

--olive garden is impressive

he can get his them all you can eat breadsticks and will be throuroughly impressed by the free wine he’ll get while waiting for the table.

--constant ego stroke

a girl could get used to hearing “you're so smart” or “you speak so good” all the time.

--he’ll be a freak

i don’t know why … but I’m convinced that hood niggas do all the kinds of stuff that is beneath their “professional” brothers.



so that’s it … the desire comes along every once in awhile.

and please forgive this fit of ignorance … lol. don’t get all offended on me either … i'm totally kidding

NO-M-G

dude. get over yourself.

you sound like an idiot.
(surprised?)


one hottboy pass left curtis,
three strikes and i'm not having your gorilla babies anymore

you already lost one for your bitchassness being at a level orange


get it together

wait for eeeeeeeeeet......

it was all a dream......

in the past two hours i saw.......

a pack of tranies who thought i was "fierce"

a blind guy and his seeing eye dog working out at the gym
(but for some reason i swear he was staring at me)

THIS in the locker room




a dude STEALING food from ralphs

then some guy almost ran me over in the parking lot and had the audacity to get out and curse me out


all ina day's work
phew!
home run

wtf t-pain?????

why the hell are we moving to wis-can-sin?

aspen??

toronto???

costa rica????

and why do we have to change our last names?

what are you hiding?
who are you running from?

is this the witness protection program?

i didn't sign up for this

there's a divverence between "taking it there"

and "taking it too far"


just a thought: next time, perhaps you should avoid using a dead child to hawk your product.

take it back tuesday!

i love tuesdays

(and yeah dude, i find it funny.
hilarious in fact)

if i were a boy

i'd....

overuse the expressions "no homo" and "that's what she said"

masturbate

go to a strip club to actually enjoy it

pretend i care

masturbate

shave my balls

not shave my legs

teabag

jerk off

tell girls i don't like to "suck my dick" and laugh as they actually do it.

never wear a shirt

start shit at family restaurants

wank off

send my girl self flowers (she deserves them)

punch boy beyonce in the nose

masturbate

become gay

oh, and this

alright son, just give me those hams

Mr. Burns: "I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children."

don't drink and drive

drink BEFORE you drive

grumpy

i think it's about time that we remove all of the warning labels off everything and let nature take it's course.

no, no, really, i mean it. call it Natural Selection. or maybe Natural De-Selection is more apropos. either way, just put stuff out there and let it go. the idiot population would drop instantly. lawyers would have to drop idiotic lawsuits. the human race - or at least America - would instantly be much stronger, if smaller. i think gardeners call it pruning.

feh.

i wish i was as good as

chocolate milk

...but there's not much i can do about that

crush of the week

hot cop

pot

pot?

hot cop

hott cop!!

pot

POT!!!!!!!!!!!!


POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

straight to the point

"not your teeth, but your mouth"-e.m.

sunday's sing-a-long

monday's hangover





homie over hoes, homies over hoes, homies over hoes. hoimes over hoes
do the homie
do the homie
do the homie
do the homie
you'll never catch the lish rollin' wit no bitch
cause bitches ain't shit
that's why my crew is thick
?????(riley's talking)
nigga we hatin' on them hoes like we hate the feds
bitch can't you see?
fall back away from me
me and my niggas bump chests in the v.i.p.
now bump it to the left
now bump it to the right
cause when you do the homie nigga got to do it right
homie over hoes, homies over hoes, homies over hoes. hoimes over hoes
do the homie
do the homie
do the homie
do the homie
cause bitches be trouble
be havin' niggas beefin'
you trickin' on that hoe, and yo niggas ain't eatin'
she pushin' your whip
spendin' all yo cash
yo homie got shot up
while you was in that ass
homie over hoes, homies over hoes, homies over hoes. hoimes over hoes
do the homie
do the homie
do the homie
do the homie

why in God's good name?

what is God's good name?

there's a better one?

fun fact!!!!!!!

in Bakersfield, California, anyone having intercourse with Satan must use a condom.

true

all emo and shet

gotta admit i got a little teary eyed.

i miss yoooooooooooooooooou




but, in reality, i hate autobiographies about musicians


wait. no.

i looooooooooove this one




hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. we'll see

the future

8 am on alexandria #2

press play



NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

keep it playing!

now, play this video sumiltaneously

me hehehehehe

it's like vin diesel, wrapped in a jeremy piven pie

i am in love....again

r.i.p the love of my life

aka my cannon powershot cousin skeet skeet gotdamn

I drunkdropped it last night

I feel like my world has no meaning anymore

I can be such a black person sometimes

i'll miss you bestie

diddy knows best

cause he's right.
i feel like i can title all of my blogertons "bitchassness is at a level orange"

and not just because i hate everything. (though for the most part i do)
shit really does suck these days

i hear most rant about the state of music. which i agree, it's pretty bad.
but i find with advancements like i tunes, limewire and pandora, that stress is easily avoidable.

ten seconds
you're wack
delete and/or next


what really tans my hyde is the caliber of movies being pumped out and overly advertised these days. ima pisces, i love to escape. books cost, and i owe the 'berry dinero (which i have no intentions of paying)
movies are free, so a good percentage of my free time is spent watching 'em.
you hear a horrible song, you've wasted four minutes. bad movie????? two hours you will NEVER GET BACK

okay okay blah blah blah

with all that said, i just can't help but to share some good experiences i have in life. 'specially when it's a scary movie that hasn't completely ripped of asian cinema

saw the original
and it was bad
soooooooo, you're REALLY gonna remake it?????

i can rant for days, so ima stop (let's not even start on how your friend and humble narrator hasn't even kissed a boy since june. getting old sucks, but that's for another time)

xoxo

twas everything i wanted slither to be
a campy, smooth old-school gore-fest
plus the added joy of robert englund
chea!

all i got was this paper?

has it occurred to anyone else that in The Breakfast Club the fact that the geek doesn't end up with one of the women? i mean, the burn out gets the princess; the jock gets the headcase. the geek gets an essay.

most realistic part of the movie, i think.

perhaps theres truth in sand madness

ya know, they say every cigarette takes 17 minutes off your life

and every slice of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life

soooooo

if i smoke and eat bacon fast enough, i'll go back in time?

bitchassness is at a level orange

cause really???????

really?

yeah, let's go see that pussy michael sera with another overly witty, semi cute bitch

cause i haven't seen THAT movie before


ima go masturbate to x-tube now


cause that seems a more appropriate use of my time

i'm just sayin'



enjoy nick and nora's playlist
(like you don't already have those annoying songs on your ipod already)





chea!

hokay so..............

usually, i LOVE everything you do

let's be real, breaking shit is FUN! 'specially when it's someone else's


and "george bush doesn't care about black pleople"?!?!?!?!
comedic genius

(wait, it wasn't supposed to be funny?????)


BUT.....

this
song
fuckin'
SUCKS!

what is everyone thinking?!?!?!?!?


you got two hott boy passes left kanye

three strikes you're OUT!


(he isssssssssss hott ain't he?)

i'd get locked down in yo luuuuuuuuuuv any night

the song's still wack though

chea!

and now for something completely different

really! i'd never steer you wrong!

best
movie
everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


love to say i'm joking, but........no.
loves it

visit videodetective.com for more info

why?

do tyler perry movies

have
the WORST wigs


i'm just sayin'





ima finish watching "the family that preys"

i'm sure ima loooooooooooooooove it